The Jacket That Protected You Is Now Creating Harm
When we experience powerlessness in childhood - whether through chaos, emotional neglect, or overwhelming circumstances - we unconsciously begin to adapt. As children, we have very little control over our environment, so we find ways to feel in control. These adaptations aren’t flaws; they’re survival mechanisms. We shape our behavior to avoid pain, protect ourselves, and maintain some sense of safety. And depending on our temperament and personality, we each adapt in different ways.
The truth is, our adaptations work. They serve a purpose. They help us get through situations that would otherwise feel impossible.
Dr. Gabor Maté offers a powerful analogy for this:
Imagine it’s winter, and you don’t have a jacket. To survive, you find one—maybe it’s bulky or oversized, but it protects you from the cold. You wear it every day because it’s what keeps you safe. But then the seasons change. The temperature rises. You’re sweating, uncomfortable… but you keep the jacket on. Why? Because it once saved you, and part of you still believes you need it.
That jacket is your childhood adaptation.
It’s not about blaming the jacket - or your younger self - for holding on. That coat was necessary. It kept you alive. The problem is when we continue wearing it long after it's needed, not realizing that what once saved us might now be keeping us stuck, small, or unwell.
The reality? You can’t just rip the jacket off and call it healing. It doesn’t work that way.
You have to go inward. Explore why the jacket exists. Get curious about who you were when you first put it on. That means witnessing your younger self, holding your current experiences with compassion, and understanding the root of those protective patterns. And then, slowly - lovingly - the jacket begins to loosen.
It’s not about condemning your coping. It’s about honoring it... and then evolving beyond it.
Awareness is only the beginning. To truly heal, we must feel what was unfelt, validate what went unseen, and reconnect to the parts of us we had to abandon in order to survive.
Because those adaptations—whether it's people-pleasing, control, perfectionism, or conflict avoidance—aren’t random. They’re childhood wounds playing out in your adult life.
And healing isn’t about fixing yourself. It’s about remembering who you were before the world told you to adapt.
Sometimes we don’t even realize a wound exists - let alone understand the impact it’s having on our lives. We may find ourselves pointing fingers, convinced that others need to change in order for things to get better. Or we’re simply overwhelmed by confusion, unsure of what’s happening or why we feel the way we do. What’s fascinating is how our inner child continues to act out these old wounds, often without our awareness—keeping us stuck in cycles of pain we feel powerless to escape. But here’s the truth: it’s a perception, not a life sentence. We each have the power to shift the story… to create a new reality where we feel safe in our own bodies, rooted in compassion for what was, and free from the hold it once had over us.
Support is available:
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