You know the feeling - that tight, sinking pull in your chest after you’ve eaten too much, said yes when you meant no, poured another drink, messaged someone for attention or opened your phone for just one more scroll. It’s familiar. Too familiar.
You whisper to yourself, Why did I do that again? I know better. What is wrong with me. I’m such an idiot.
But the answer never seems to come with clarity… just more shame.
At some point, these behaviours started as relief. That glass of wine? A moment to breathe. The extra slice of cake when you’re absolutely stuffed? A soft landing on a hard day. The late-night messages, the spending, the silence, the scrolling - each one was a whisper of a need that is screaming to be met. And so you do: It’s okay. I’ve got you.
But now, you’re stuck. The very thing that helped you survive is the thing making you feel like you’re drowning.
You overeat - because something inside you is hungry, but it’s not food it craves.
You seek validation in the eyes of someone else - because somewhere along the way, you learned that being wanted meant being worthy.
You drink to silence the noise - but it’s not really quieting the ache.
You restrict your body, your voice, your joy - trying to earn a sense of control.
You doom scroll - hoping distraction will outrun the discomfort.
You overspend - trying to buy your way to peace.
But the truth is: these aren't random bad habits. They're patterns built around unmet needs.
And instead of asking, What am I truly needing right now?, we pile shame on top of our wounds.
The shame says:
“I’m a mistake.”
“What’s wrong with me.”
“I hate myself.”
So you keep trying to cope better instead of healing deeper. The challenge is that shame doesn’t dissolve behavior; it entrenches it. Shame is the cement that keeps the cycle spinning. It disconnects you from curiosity, from compassion, from truth.
This isn’t a personal failure. This is a survival loop that once protected you… and now imprisons you.
Here’s what I want you to know:
The need isn’t bad.
The need isn’t shameful.
The need isn’t too much.
But the way you’ve been taught to not feel it and to find ways to avoid the discomfort is rooted in childhood wounds - that’s why we find it so hard to break out of the cycle.
So what if you started exploring, gently:
What is this behavior trying to soothe?
What’s the story underneath this craving?
What would it look like to meet this need in a way that honors me instead of harms me?
This work is messy. Slow. Tender.
It means pausing before autopilot takes the wheel.
It means choosing presence when your instincts beg for distraction.
It means validating the need instead of judging the behaviour.
You’re not broken… you’re responding to pain. And when you can finally see the need for what it is, you can begin to explore and consider other ways of meeting your need.
And truthfully… Fuck perfection. This isn’t about being perfect. You just need to be willing to come closer to yourself.
The rollercoaster doesn’t have to run your life. You can step off. Take one pause, take one breath, one honest moment at a time.